MY TRAUMA
The decade following his suicide was chaotic. I tried drugs, alcohol & disordered eating, but found them all to be wildly ineffective at disappearing my trauma. When "bad" decisions didn't work, I tried making "good" ones & spent the following decade chasing my worth in Corporate America. Eventually I discovered I couldn't achieve my trauma away either. My life looked pretty perfect. I was checking all the boxes, but inside I was hurting. Trauma likes to surface in relationships & mine was no exception. My relationships kept failing, usually in dramatic fashion, ultimately leaving me to discern that... it was me. I was the problem. I had perfected a pattern of reacting to a "trigger", burning everything down, replacing my partner & then repeating.
MY REBIRTH
I had nearly given up on my capacity for intimate relationship when I found breathwork. I cried for hours after my first experience, liberating tears that I'd suppressed for decades. In my haste to understand WTF just happened, I learned everything I could about the mind body connection, my breath & it's relationship to my nervous system.
My research inspired me to create a ritual breathwork practice, which helped me finally understand what people meant when they talked about "getting back into our bodies." For the first time in my life I experienced waves of nervous system regulation. My messy human moments, the ones where I would turn triggers into dumpster fires & carry a lot of shame for, began to shift. It felt like time slowed down. I could feel the activation in my body in time to consciously respond, before my mind hijacked reality. In building a consistent breathwork practice I was able to transform my relationships, both with myself & with others. I was no longer a lost cause.
BREATHWORK + MY PHYSICAL HEALTH JOURNEY
I'm not quite prepared to talk about this piece yet, but I'll have a lot to say when that time comes.